When I was 16, my love of writing drove me to create this blog as a space where I could chat about all the things I loved and was passionate about, in the best and easiest way I knew. My first, ever post was a piece of creative non-fiction about Autumn, an almost taster into the things I loved and a chance for me to post, for the first time ever, a piece of my own writing on the internet.
Blogging wasn't quite the big deal it is now when I began this page and so, I wasn't quite sure which direction I was taking it in. I just knew I loved writing, I loved makeup, fashion and etc. and I loved having a space that I could get it all down on. With the rise of bloggers like Zoella, Tanya Burr and the likes, I began to think I had found my direction. These women were writing about makeup and fashion and all the things that I wanted to talk about and thousands of people were reading it, and definitely loving it. I was so inspired by their content and their journeys. They were normal, everyday people who had grown a huge readership of people from all over the world from their rambles, and were receiving so much love on everything they did. I began to think that was what I wanted, and where I needed to take my blog to feel successful.
As I began my gap year, I found time to write regularly, and tried my best to mimic the writings of all the famous Youtubers/bloggers. I mean, if this was what was popular, that's what I had to write to be seen, right? I developed a readership - hundreds of people would click on my blog weekly and enjoy what I was writing. And so, I continued to write the things they were loving: product reviews, outfit posts and little things that were exciting in my life. This was what I had dreamed about and through working in an environment with beauty and makeup in my gap year job, became very easy and accessible. I worked so hard, planned everything and had a complete format in order to make sure my blog posts appealed each time and would continue to bring in new readers.
My gap year was coming to an end and I had chosen a very specific University course to begin that September - Media and Communications with Creative Writing. A way to encapsulate everything I loved (particularly with my blog) and to turn, one day, into a career. And by this point, I was pretty much settled on being a full-time blogger post-uni.
A difficult time in my life threw me completely off track and I fell out of touch with blogging. It took me a while to feel like myself again and, with starting university amongst everything else stressful in my life at the time, I forgot to write my blog posts.
On my course, I was writing hundreds of words every week for homework and assessments that the thrill of writing on my blog didn't appeal to me anymore and my readership fell dramatically. How could I get back into it? How could I find the money to buy the products, or the time to take the pictures for new blog posts in my new, student lifestyle? How could I stay a student and a wannabe beauty blogger?
And in the end, I kind of just gave up.
I had tried so hard over the years to maintain a persona, a style and a set formula to achieve what I thought I wanted to achieve. Yet, having spent a year writing fiction, nonfiction, creatively and critically, I couldn't get back in the swing of that 'beauty blogger' voice.
What's more, blogging was now not a cool, new and unique thing to do. Almost everyone I knew at uni had a blog and Youtube and the blogging world in general was bigger than ever, churning out hundreds of mini Zoellas, and Tanya Burrs everyday as they attempted to reach the same level of fame. What shocked me most, however, wasn't that I no longer had a 'chance' to 'make it', but more that I ever thought a specific style and format of blog posts was the way to do it.
With my love and passion for writing not able to make me turn away, I tried to shake things up. I started to talk about new and different things I loved, aside from makeup and beauty etc. I talked about photography and Instagram, something I discovered at university and still love passionately today. I talked about lifestyle, food and student life and anything that I thought I could craft into a piece of writing that some of the existing people who read my blog might still enjoy. I couldn't find the time or the motivation however to make this a regular occurrence and so, my blog fizzled out again.
Right now, I'm approaching the end of my second year of university and I've had plenty of time to think. Not only my university journey, but also my journey on this blog has shown me so many things to change the way I look at myself:
1. I never have and never do want to be a generic 'beauty blogger', who writes the same processed and formulated nonsense over and over again about different things. I love makeup, I love fashion and I love lifestyle, but that doesn't mean I have to follow the conventions of the famous to break into the blogging world.
2. I love writing and always will. But when writing becomes a chore or a style that's designed for anyone but myself, I no longer have the same passion. The growth of this blog made me become a writer to please people, rather than one for crafting what I thought was best and of my own choices. I've learnt in the past two years that not everyone will like everything I write and sometimes I'll find it challenging and difficult, but that's okay. But I've also learnt that I am a good writer and some people will love my writing, my voice and the things I have to say, and that's also okay. I should play to my strengths, but never stop challenging myself.
3. This blog has run its course. I've had the best time creating this space and filling it with small slices of myself over the last few years, but I've out-grown it and it's definitely become much less, and arguable never really was, 'me'.
So to all the bloggers out there, rigorously typing their 'beauty tips and tricks', or 'outfits of the day' in the hope of being seen, I wish you good luck. And to all the readers who enjoyed my rambling over the last few years, thank you and I'm sure there are plenty of beauty bloggers to fill my space. But for now, I plan to take everything I've learnt, every word I've typed and every idea I've created and move on to a new, different space to fill with my thoughts, words and ideas.
I will never stop writing but, from now on, it will be sparked from my own creativity and for the eyes of people who appreciate that. And now I know, that's the real success I dreamed of.
~ Becca ~









